剪影

我喜歡看別人的側面,因為它比正面誠實.

很少跟老媽談天,很多時,是她一個人的獨白, 而我是聽眾.

因著畢業,向朋友借了一部專業相機,昨晚回家吃飯,於是幫媽媽照了幾張相.

去年也幫她照了.

在鏡頭下,我看見了平時我不敢直視的她, 她真的老了,而且在不覺意中,老得很快. 真的, 在變幻的人生中,歲月,原來是最大的賊....

當我想起你

昨天看了同學Dima出演的drama.

而沒有考試的她,在今天4月20日, 便會飛去frankfurt,Germany與丈夫團聚.
21歲的她在去年便與年長她八年,在香港讀完 master of Journalism 的男朋友結婚了.

Dima 是一個傳奇.

在syria 出生、成長的她, 18歲時作了一個改變她一生的決定. 上網看到香港大學新聞系的課程,於是便膽粗粗地寫了一封電郵申請.

大學教授看到遠從敘利亞而來的申請,也吃驚了,而申請者只是一個18歲的小妮子,便打了個電話,問: "are you sure you wanna come to Hong Kong to study?"

電話訪問後, 於是她被錄取了.

由於從小在國際學校讀書, 母語是阿拉伯語的Dima 講一口流利的英文.性格活潑開朗的她,很快適應了香港的生活,有一大堆的朋友.當然包括當時男朋友/ 現在的老公, 而互聯網的發展, 不同的軟件,減去了不少的思鄉之苦, Dima幾乎每天都和家人facebook, MSN 和 Skype.

在year2的下學期,Dima 去了瑞典交流,之後是與男友的暢遊歐洲.而大概是因為家庭/ 宗教的傳統,Dima與男友在去年結婚了. 男友更因為她而改變了宗教信仰.

只是21歲的她, 說,厭倦了讀書,想有一個break.究竟去了法蘭克福後,人生會是如何,未來的路該如何走,Dima說也不清楚,只是小兩口一起, 那已足夠.

出生於1990年1月1日, 於是每年的新年,你會記得有一個叫Dima 的敘利亞女生, 名字的發音令人想起廣東話的問候語: "點嗎?"

-------
特地選了林一峰劇場版的<當我想起你> 為這個blog entry的配樂, 為的是記念這三年來,大學中遇到的每一個你和妳.




很慶幸新聞系收了我,當中有太多magic的同學.

再寫吧...

just let it slide

"The absurdity of life reaches me more than ever."
He wrote.

Another interesting character I met in Mexico. Back in Hong Kong, despite the 14-hour difference, we manage to have a little online chat.

He is pretty philosophical, he is very intelligent, on the hand, very chaotic at times.
tracing back to the root cause, what has shaped the way he is profoundly, again,FAMILY.

---------------
Though being random, one of his stories has helped to embark my long journey from Mexico crossed the boarder through the most dangerous city in Mexico---Ciudad Juarez, to Texas, BY BUS, like many poor Mexicans do. (hahaha, indeed, I was broke.)

Running away from the Mexico bus stop when the boarder officer demanded me to pay for the return visa, which was nonsense, --- "man, I am leaving, won't return at least for a while"; Getting stranded at the boarder; sitting outside the immigration department in a frigging chilly night for 2 hours only to find out I had waited in the wrong place; missed the last bus, slept over in a bus station with a group of African Americans....

All these were in an attempt to keep a promise in spite a broken one...

--------------------

He told me that, he had a deal with his previous girl friend, going to Cuba together. Before the promise was materialized, they broke up.

Nonetheless, he went to Cuba by himself. "I guess she did the same too." He said.

I don't know why, the story has deeply moved me.

---------------------

Before going to Mexico, I went to Ghana for a field trip. During Ghana days, there is a sage-like African -American lady, who returned to Ghana after years of root-finding.

When it comes to the slavery issue, against the conventional victimized sense of tragedy, she said, "to me, it is a triumph of human spirit. what made them (slaves) wake up everyday despite the pressing life? It's their children. Hope them can get a better life. To me, each Child is an embodiment of a dream, accumulated from generations. and because of that, all the cultures come together. You have raggae, R&B, Blues, Hip Hop... "

We just spent two days together, already, her charisma has impressed me a lot. I wanted to learn from her.

When she knew that I was going to Mexico for exchange, she invited me to visit her during Christmas when she would having a business trip in New Mexico, the US.

I wrote to her at the begging of December, all were set. when I wrote to ask where I should meet her exactly after I returned from the south of Mexico to Monterrey, (the north of Mexico), she never replied.

Two options were open to me: either go directly to Los Angeles (a friend is there and I would fly back to HK from there ) or to New Mexico.

During the decision Making process, His story popped up. and I decided to go to New Mexico by myself despite knowing no one, despite the two luggages I had with me....

------------------

Courch surfing saved me. In one week, I stayed with 3 families. all are distinct in their stories.

Havah, 25-year old girl, already planning the second divorce in marriage.
19-year her had carried the dead body of her own child, running on the street in a rainy, chilly night in search of a free coffin;
23-year her fell in love with a Pakistani in LA. Although she knew that he married her just in an attempt to get a green card, she helped him, she even converted from being a Jew to a Muslim.
but now,she is getting a divorce with him.

Mayra, a 32-year old biologist. living alone. the strict family upbringing has already made her give up upon love. She brought me to snow-shoeing, to the indigenous village in New Mexico;

Rob and Catherine, a devoted Christian Couple. It was New Year Eve, Rob is an Italian. He told me his pretty screwed up life. Well, again, broken family, drug addict, leading his first broken marriage. while he was thinking to be a car driver, illegally trafficking drugs from Colombia to the US. He got the divine calling. Life is not easy on him, but gradually he manged to turn a new leaf.

He just told me, "Honey, you need a home."


During the first couch surfing, I met two siblings, a brother and a sister. one's father married the other's mother, that's how they become siblings.

Nizmo, the sister, 21-year-old, healthy-conscious girl, like being alone, walking alone, jogging alone, did two month traveling in Canada (alone?) by hitchhiking;

Andrew, the brother, also 21 years old, has a rebellious/ self-imposed exile back in 19-year-old self. following a group of hippies, traveling around the US by hitchhiking, jumping on the train...

Needing a break/ escape, just brought a ticket to Thailand without any prior knowledge, plans on the landing, and spent one-month there, "same-same but different." he told me....


--------------------------------

So what I wanted to say here, the absurdity of life strikes us at different times, and will constantly come back....

Well, just let it slide, life is absurd, just let it slide...........

.......

談起歌,朋友說, 有一些歌要是經過某些年月的洗禮,有了那麼一點的經歷才能唱出/明白當中的意味:

在一個有關出道十年的演唱會上,播了一段video,當中陳奕迅訴說在飛機上聽著 當初自己唱的<我的快樂時代>,而淚流滿面的經歷,他說,直到今天,他終於懂了當中的意思,然後是音樂響起,陳出場唱出 <我的快樂時代>...

所有的離愁別緒開始register into the little mind.
從十一年前,拿著兩個紅白藍膠袋來到這個城市,到從中一倒帶讀小學五年級,升中學,升預科,升大學,大學畢業在即.
有一些苦,有一些甜,這十一年是我的快樂時代.
借一個記者之言, "沒有忘懷從前，亦不會逃避以後."


我的快樂時代

作曲/編曲/監製:林健華(Black Box)
填詞:林夕

讓我有個美滿旅程
讓我記著有多高興
讓我有勇氣去喊停
沒有結局也可即興
難堪的不想　只想痛快事情
時間尚早　別張開眼睛

* 長路漫漫是如何走過
寧願讓樂極忘形的我
離時代遠遠　沒人間煙火
毫無代價唱最幸福的歌
願我可 *

讓我對這世界好奇
讓我信自己的真理
讓我有個永遠假期
讓我渴睡也可嬉戲
從今天開始 相識當作別離
時間就似活多一世紀

Repeat *

無論日夜是如何經過
寧願在極樂當中的我
沉迷或放棄亦無可不可
毫無代價唱最幸福的歌
願我可

唯求在某次盡情歡樂過
時間夠了 時針偏偏出了錯

Hello Goodbye

It is hard to believe that, in a week's time, it is going to be the last lecture for my university education. Oh, I am still struggle to accept the fact that, I am graduating...
have not started job-hunting yet...

I have taken a number of journalism classes this semester, walking up the stairs in the Yuet Ming Tsuen, all felt like yesterday, the year 1, a bit uncertain, a bit timid, a bit curious self.

stepping the stairs, time to say 'goodbye'.

In between Hello and Goodbye, different things have happened, it is hard to pick single life-altering event that makes the way I am. But when they come together, the beings and human beings I have encountered on the road/ during the journey, have made who I am now.

Hallo Goodbye ---The Pancakes

give me strength to overcome the fears
give me dough to buy another beer
give me time to overcome
the shadow of the love we shared
and the nightmares that make me feel so scared

i have a room
i wanna be there all alone
all my life
i've been waiting for some time just for my own
time to carry out my plans
to form my garage band
and then...
can you listen to me

hallo goodbye
hallo hallo hallo goodbye
can you let me come take you to the sun
can you let me go do my one man show
just stay where you are
don't come close don't go too far

been a while since we said hi last time
how's your life and what's your new hairstyle
i've been walking round the world
collecting every key i see
but we're just no longer who we used to be

i feel so fine
now all the problems are behind
but still i, i'm afraid i cannot be your valentine
there're still more in front of me
still lots i wanna see
but not with you
not with you
can you listen to me

hallo goodbye
hallo hallo hallo goodbye
are you gonna come destroy all my fun
are you gonna go leave me in the snow
just stay where you are
don't come close don't go too far

baby listen to me

hallo goodbye
hallo hallo hallo goodbye
i will let you go
i will let you know
love is not a rope
it's more than a hope
forget what i said
turn away and don't look back

love is not a rope
it's more than a hope
all the wounds and pain
will go with the rain
when we meet again
only memories will remain

hallo goodbye goodbye
hallo goodbye byebye

訪問

"你想知道我的人生故事，沒關係，只要不披露我的身份，我可以毫無保留地說出來。"　44歲的Wendy說。

"我怕麻煩到你們,所以我親自來做訪問了." 她說, 隨行的還有她十歲的兒子.

太多的話想說,太多的情緒鬱結,訪問才開始不久,她已哭成淚人. 還未聽完問題,已答非所問地把自己的辛酸傾訴出來。　

除了一雙耳朵,能做其實不多.

負責訪問的BBC記者, Fiona, 也沉默了, such sadness and desperation can be transmitted without verbal communication....


是次訪問，是BBC World service Radio 的一個節目,題材是有關精神健康，受訪的WENDY是抑鬱症患者。

你可以把所有對中港婚姻，新移民的stereotype都放在她身上,只是那都只是flattened reality.

WENDY在25歲時與30歲的香港丈夫經朋友介紹認識而結婚。好不容易申請來港一家團聚，可現實的的沉重卻把所有的一切，一家五口擠在一個小單位，只有一張桌子，一張床，還要是和另外一個家庭同居。

抹殺了所有昔日的溫馨與希冀。惡言相向代替了當初的甜言蜜語；肢體衝撞是最貼身的接觸，曾經信誓旦旦說要"照顧你一輩子，無論貧賤富貴還是生老病死..." 變成了"你他媽的拖累了我..."

“我在香港無親無故，所有的苦只能一個人扛。"再回憶，淚如泉湧。

離了婚，帶著３個孩子靠綜援過活，但因為要照顧小朋友，不能找全職工作，可綜援又不够用，於是只好打不同的兼職，做清潔，洗碗。

她說，"我很對不起我的小朋友，不能為他們提供學習上的支援。像電腦，對我們來說是一種的奢侈品，買是一種龐大的支出，之後要的上網費，電費，唉，哪支付得起？"說完，眼淚又來了。

談到未來，WENDY 說，"我只希望兒女能用功讀書，有一份工作，可以支持生活，可以脫貧，而自己也可以做一些對社會有意義的事。"

WENDY 的小兒子房間的另一角看書。

"一個充滿動盪和災難的環境裡，人仍能擁抱對美好社會的盼望，並拿出無比的勇氣去實踐，即使過程中也有錯失的時候。" --張翠容


－－－－－－－
訪問完後，FIONA 給了300元的車馬費給WENDY。
可WENDY死也不肯要，"這怎麼成呢，要人家破費，我親自來酒店訪問就是不想讓人家麻煩。"

"你快告訴她，我不能要，也不想要。"她把錢塞給我。

"You tell her, I don't usually give money to people, I want to give her. treat it as I am buying her time for the interview.＂ Fiona refused to get back the money.

經過一番的你推我讓，WENDY終於收下了。　

"那，我收下了，快告訴她，我真是不好意思。"帶點忐忑，無限的感激，WENDY說，一滴淚珠仍停在眼角。

－－－－－

同樣擁有一個十歲大的兒子的FIONA,替WENDY的兒子感到難過，"having such mom, when Wendy finds life hard, she is going to hit them."

"It must be hard for her son too. Listening to what she has said, all the bitterness and hardship..." A tinge of sadness can be seen from Fiona's face. Her voice is low, like being pressed upon, that sort of struggling tone...

"I don't know if it is right for me to give her money. Will she feel bad? but at that time, I just want to give her. so poor, so desperate, she came over to do the interview... Chau, Am I right to do so?" Fiona asked.


"But her children is also a source for her burden. and Wendy said, she tried to lecture them on working hard, they just called her 'psycho' and neglected her." I tried to give context for the situation.

---------
父母....成長環境....

想起之前看的一齣戲--《Into the Wild》男主角為的是父母的感情破裂，而懷疑人生，懷疑生存的意義，大學畢業後，把所有的身份證明文件都消毀，把所有的身外物都拋棄，孤身出走，named as supertramper, 流浪人生，品味孤獨。

最終孤獨在荒野死去，人生大限，領悟到的是：　"Happiness is only real when shared."

想起在墨西哥遇見的以色列男人, GUY, 德國小丑, MERLIN. how has the parental relationship ruined a life. some are lucky, 在大喜大悲後,重新上路; some are so-so, 堅持走自己的路,只是永遠都在逃的狀態....

If parents are also learning how to be parents, can them be more cautious, they are ruining other lives ?

sigh....

-----------------
Fiona 說,不明白,為什麼亞洲人會把教育看得那麼重要,好像是成績好就等於聰明,好未來...
她知道兒子在所謂的名校讀得不開心後,便他轉到一間"平庸"的非主流學校.

"It is a German school.They adopt different teaching methods. they allow children to try different things. To me, the most important in life is to be happy. let them have a happy growth. If the school doesn't suit him, he will lose the interest to explore further by himself. and even gradually give up learning." She said.

她也是一個很有自己主見的人.

18歲高中畢業後,在printing industry 工作了5年, 後來發現自己沒上大學, 好像"something is missing", 於是重投大學, 在LSE (London School of Economics) 讀的是 international relationships.

畢業後, 曾在電視台便了一會兒,可覺得不適合自己, 於是去了BBC.

"I really love Radio. TV production needs a lot of people, the entire crew. But Radio. with a mic and a recorder, I have greater freedom and flexibility."

hmmmm, follow your heart, and choose whatever you love and love whatever you choose.

cliche, but finding what you love is a hard nut to crack while taking the reality into account.

自由

當語言失去了它的功能, 或許音樂能為那個笨口拙舌的自己找到一個出口...
想起電影 《Up In The Air》, 當中城市的追名遂利,面對生活的無重感,生命的荒涼,不斷地去逃...
或許,其實我都一直在逃避，逃避全世界最難以面對的自己...

自由
詞曲：林暐哲 演唱：張懸
收錄於 2008 Future Maker記事本


為了想要得到自由，我在我身上插上翅膀
飛過高山，飛過河流，才發現我的自由全都只是想像
其實我都一直在逃避，逃避全世界最難以面對的自己
I just want to get away from me
I just want to get away from me
如此而已

為了無法忍受寂寞，我從你手中要走愛情
過了兩年覺得累了，我又在我身上插上翅膀
下一次我要走到那裡？逃避全世界最難以面對的自己
I just want to get away from me
I just want to get away from me
如此而已


H i i i i
H i i i i
H i i i i
Hide, hide away from me

And I just want to get away from me
And I just want to get away from me
如此而已

H i i i i
H i i i i
H i i i i
Hide, hide away from me
Hide, 我躲不掉我自己